fairytales

i think people live in a state of denial, most reject the truth.
why? the common answer is, because the truth hurts.

an action that bothers me the most is when there is a child involved in some fiasco.
in latest news, i would be referring to the crazy octuplets' and also her previous 6children.

it's simply not okay to have 14 kids and not have a stable income, go on tv shows promising to provide all the love&care, claim that her past didn't include much love, and furthermore ask internet donations to take care of the child.
She receives almost $500 in foodstamps.
If you can't take responsibility of your actions, then don't cause uneccessary nonsense.
I don't know what makes people think it's okay to treat children like commodities and birth of a child be so senseless.
I can't understand what the doctor who had even operated on her artificial pregnancy such to even think this was okay.
It upsets me to how some people are so selfish to just think in their interests and not the child's or in this case childrens.

As I am so in love with Law and Order, CSI, House, and so forth it just upsets me how some people are just plain selfish and stupid.

Deadlines

I really need to prioritize&manage my life better.
I miss deadlines, rush, &just live in terror of not finishing whatever I need to.
Ughhhhhh.

Excuse my language, but. FUCK what u heard or thought.

Too many guys think I'm a concept, or I complete them, or I'm gonna make them alive. But I'm just a fucked-up girl who's lookin' for my own peace of mind, so don't assign me yours.

2009

has been treating me well.  It's been sincere, generous, furthermore has given me hope.

As this New Year has started and a new chapter opened in my life.  I'm not only excited but really anticipating every new step.  Maybe not every one, but I'm truly blessed for everything that's happened the past year and the chance to make more memories and experiences this year.

Somethings been keeping me up lately, and yes it is anxiety, stress, worries, etc.  I haven't been doing my usual devotionals and I know its having a toll on me.  Yet I still refuse to do them.  Devotionals have always been hard and they continue to be so hard): I'm not excited about this fact and need some desperate rearranging of the mind.

February 2nd.  The dreaded and lovely day.  This is the day that my better half, Paul, leaves for the Navy.  It's a bittersweet moment considering I am happy and mad at this moment in time.  It brings him all the training and necessary things for his future, which I am more than happy to support and love.  BUT it also means we would be apart and I would not be able to enjoy his oh so fabulous companionship.  Yes, it is selfish and very childish, but I admit I am so damn attached to him and what he stands for in my life.  Today as we spoke of his remaining days I wanted to just knock him out, take him to my house, and lock him up.  But reality and also common sense sets in and once again you just have to accept and embrace CHANGE.  I used to think change was such a fabulous thing, but after my rough year '08 I am really enjoying everything in the present.  Gah.  I am so not looking forward to saying my good lucks and such to him):

bye bye bullshit.

i'm feeling o-raht.

i guess i need to do some readjusting, reorganizing, re-prioritizing.

i've lost sight of my goals&dreams, but fuck it i'm 19 and i'll find sobriety and all that goodness soon enough.

ugh why does everything sound so overdramatic and ugly in life today.

it's not the rain, because i adore the gloom-doom looking days.  it's nice.  change from the sunny cali.

fatass status.

i need to get workin on ma body.

my diet sucks, as in what i normally eat is really horrid.

this is another to do list, along with the prioritizing.

friends.

are so vital and important in life i realized.  a best friend, homegirl can mean so much and everything can turn around in a split second.  sad, yet it's the truth.

when you find someone, make sure to keep them tighter than that stuffed doll u used to keep during those scary adolescent life.

or you can just fuck that doll and get yaself a new one, ha.

fucking FUCK FUCK FUCK.

fuck is such a beautiful word.  but it's a whore, everyone uses it and it gets meaningless.

drinks are not on me, for once.

pass the bacardi over to the person to my left&right just not me.

ok my eyes and mind are failing me.

aga jaba gada gone.

priorities&life

ok so it's 2eleven in the morning and i just finished cleaning up taco bell's bombass fully loaded nachos off my floor, the book i was reading, which the title i don't even remember, and something else.  oh wait i forgot to text someone.  done.  okay so a few things i've been realizing these days..

i'm shallow.  very shallow.  like today, i went to a kick back with a hs friend of mine and boy was it lame.  i had decided on going straight edge cutting out all the unnecessary shit i put in my life such as alcohol&so forth.  back to the point- kickbacks are fucking lame.  i don't know what i was thinking to think it was all so fun.  i mean it had pretty much the same people involved, but not quite.  i don't know it was just lame, no offense to dirty sanchez of course.

ok so me being shallow.  i am very shallow, and i don't think it's necessarily a bad thing.  i mean why should i talk to some kid who doesn't go to school, have a job, or car?  he/she should have enough sense and respect and feel responsible enough to do that for themselves.  i ain't rolling with no scrub.

i am really gross i realized.  when my boyfriend isn't around i look and feel like some crackwhore.  for example, once again, today.  right now i still have my make up on from earlier which includes some vsecret turquoise glitter eyeshadow, blush, eyeliner, etc.  and yet i haven't washed it off.  it's just on there like some used up drugged up crackwhore.  oh and i haven't showered for two days, which isn't bad considering my ass was in bed literally for 23 hours cos i've been sick off my ass.  two days isn't bad, i've been trying to go on this not washing my hair trend, but it hasn't been working.  two days is pushing it like seriously, girls who do do it for more than three days i say- you're a fucking sick ass.  wash your hair.  it's dead protein yo.

being sick sucks.  i'm not trying to be a whiny biyatch, but i seriously fucking thought i was going to die yesterday.  i didn't even get to go to work and being a money hungry selfish person i RARELY miss work.  i freaking had a ridiculous fever and it was just horrible.  now i'm up at two nineteen with a horrrrrible headache.

i like being straight edge.  i mean sure sometimes i'll want a sip of this or that, but really i don't.  bad habits die hard indeed.  fuck what anyone has to say, my body's going greeeeeen.

obsessive much- i get easily obsessed with little unnecessary things in life and waste all my time on obsessing over whatever it is i am obsessed over.  like, right now i've been thinking about my boyfriend.  i say it's unnecessary, because i'll see him in about seven hours yet i'm just about to wake him up and ask him to meet me now.  he's like this neverending drug of i don't know cos sometimes he makes me angry, but yet i'm so deeply into him.  i thinks its because we balance each other well.  like yin and yang.  i'm the psychotic frantic who freaks out and bitches about everything whereas he's more of the laid back homeboy who just makes you relaxe.  i can't spell but what evaaaa.

christmas is coming.  blast that christmas holiday tunez&spiritz yo!  i love it and it makes me sad.  sad knowing it'll be the last christmas i spend with my pumpkin): my nose is runny.  i need to seriously wash up.  all the make up and crap on my face is bugging.  especially the mascara.  why do i even put this crap on?  i decided i'm going on a make up strike.   i think paul's extremely cute.

i'm going to clean my room i decided.  i realized i'm a very unappetizing girl.  my room's always a mess, i'm impatient, potty mouthed, and today i drank a taco bell drink from three or four days ago cos it was just sitting there.  not too clean.  haha i just thought "new years resolution" my ass.  ok time for some tv rama & cleaning.

work hard.  play harder.  pray hardest.